Friday, February 15, 2013

B-My-Valentine?

All thru gradeschool, I dreaded
this day
This day of carefully cut and pasted
Valentine pouches
which decorated and then hung
 on the front of our pint sized desk
or the back of our
tiny chair.....
 
Every year it was an agony for me
in those days of timid quiet
and no friends
as even then I was awkward
with others, preferring my
own company
 
"A loner" as I was 'oft described
in the comments section
of my report cards by my teachers
 
Happily content as that loner
with my imagination, my dreams, my plans
all the school year thru
except for this day of the year
 
Even now, decades later
I can still palpate the discomfort
of seeing every val-n-tine pouch
in each row fill with pink and yellow and white
envelopes
 
Every pouch except mine
 
Mine always had just two
One from my mother (sent in my lunch box)
to put in my val-n-pouch
and one from my teachers
(who made sure they had extras)
 
I never knew
(nor even thought to wonder)
if I was the only one
with only two grown up val-n-tines
in my thin and silly sad decorated grade school pouch
 
I'm not sure it would have mattered
if I had known I wasn't the only one
 
I'm still dancing on the fringe, doing things my own way
and every year I think (now) I'm glad my val-n-tine pouch
was mostly empty
because it taught me you can survive heartache
it showed me that the love/kindness of just a few
matters
(thank you mom)
(thank you teachers with emergency val-n-tines)
 
I've no thesis to prove, no facts of correlation
but I suspect we become strong or weak
early on in our life
I suspect we devise and develop ways
to stand tall in the face of disappointment
or lack of rousing peer approval
when we are more small than tall
 
Perhaps that's why each February 14th
I think back on those little construction paper pouches
knowing it foreshadowed
the worst
and the best
of life
of me
 
I hope your val-n-tine
day
(pouch full or thin)
was happy  :-)
 
 


7 comments:

BumbleBeeLane said...

Oh that was sad for me to hear.Your right though everyone can't always be the popular or best or prettiest or whatever the matter is at the moment.It teaches us to get through and move on.That's what's wronge with the world today everyone is handed equal even if they didn't win or recieve it.They have no sense of defeat, then when it comes they can't handle "real life".. Anyhoo off my soap box.Hope you had a wonderful Valentine's.I surely would have had a pretty card for you sweet friend!~Amy

Kim said...

Aww, I hope you don't measure happiness by little pieces of cardboard. You touch many lives and your posts and comments always lift me up.
Kim

gracie said...

I care....

Kathryn Jones said...

May all your days be happy...

The Weaver of Grass said...

What an interesting thought to digest. The other similar experience is when two team captains are choosing their teams from the class and you know right from the beginning you are going to be the one that neither of them chooses and you will be the last to be chosen.

Florida Farm Girl said...

Most of our valentine years were when we were expected to exchange cards with everybody in the grade, so that nobody was left out. I think you'r right, though, that we learn how to deal with our hurts and disappointments at an early age.

Woman Seeking Center said...

XO upon a paper val-n-tine heart from me to each of you! I am so touched by every one of your notes here :-)

Every time you leave a comment it is treasured...

Some, like all these here, are so especially thoughtful, sharing and warm they feel like a hug.

Lucky I am to have met, to ongoingly share, and then 'hear' in return what you think, what you feel.

I value you, each and every one of you, more than words could say...

Hugs
Issy